Q. My marriage life, which has continued over 9 years, has been afflicted by the fact that my wife cannot bring herself to living within our means, which are much more limited than those of her own rich family. She apparently was used to spending on luxuries and even trivialities sums that I simply cannot afford. This has led to much friction, arguments and quarrels. I have come to the conclusion that perhaps divorce is the only solution. We have three children, and members of my family have talked me out of going through with a divorce at least on one occasion, but I see no prospect of an improved family life. My question is whether according to Islam this constitutes proper grounds for divorce, or would I be punished by God on the Day of Judgment if I divorce my wife.
H.M.D.
Onaizah
A. Divorce is a legitimate way of ending a marriage. Therefore, it carries no sin and incurs no punishment. God knows that human beings may not be happy in a marital relationship, so He has provided them with a decent way out of it. The important thing is that one does not do an injustice to one’s spouse when the divorce takes place. It is unfairness that is wrong and sinful. If it is deliberate it could incur God’s punishment. So, in principle, a man is free to divorce his wife when he is convinced that to continue with the marriage brings him and the family more harm than good.
Your problem is one of incompatibility. Your wife’s background puts her in a financially better situation than that you can provide for her. As such, she is unable to come to terms with the lower standard of living you are able to provide, even though it may be a decent standard that many others would dearly love to have. Hence the problem.
I have no doubt that you have tried hard to come to terms with the situation, but this is something very difficult to do if the other person is unwilling or unable to assess the situation in a comprehensive way, looking at all factors and making a list of priorities according to their effect on one’s family life. However, my advice is to try again, particularly seeking the help of someone in your wife’s family who could be more understanding.
If your father-in-law is wise, you may be able to take him into your confidence and speak to him privately about the whole problem, stating that you are seriously considering a divorce, knowing how bad it would affect your children. He may be able to persuade his daughter to change her ways, or may be he would assist financially by giving her a regular allowance so that she may be able to buy what she wants without putting a strain on your finances. If this is not possible, then speak to your wife in a very cool way, without allowing the discussion to develop into a quarrel, stating your intention of terminating the marriage as you see no way of improving the situation. May be if she feels that you are serious, she will think again.
If neither way works, then resort to the method God has outlined, appointing two arbiters, one from her family and one from yours. If they can work out a compromise, which is satisfactory to both, well and good. If not, then divorce is the only way. Should you find it inevitable, beware of making a final break that cannot be mended. Divorce is done once at a time, with the husband making sure that the time is right for his wife to start her waiting period immediately, then pronouncing the divorce once only. To do it three times together is forbidden. During the waiting period, your wife stays with you in the family home, but you use separate bedrooms. You remain responsible for her living expenses and maintenance.
