I felt more like a Muslim than a Christian

Sadiqah Ismat, formerly Stephanie, is from Cape Town, South Africa. She here writes in detail about her journey to Islam, spread into several phases, which she describes as an extremely complex one. ­­— This is the third part of her story.

To illustrate my internal struggles, here follows excerpts I collected from various e-mails to friends over the last two years.
July 2, 2009: Actually I love Muslims, because of their strict views and sometimes I watch a Muslim program on TV just to get a glimpse of their beauty. Their practice of modesty is called “hijab.” They have a lot to remind us Christians of!
Feb. 1, 2010: To be honest, I am going through a crisis in my faith, my identity and my vocation. So my crisis, is that I am Muslim on the outside and Catholic on the inside!
Feb. 16, 2010: I have had an increasing attraction over the last year to the Middle-Eastern/Muslim culture. I can personally say that if I would have to choose my religion according to my present feelings, I would convert to Islam!
March 2, 2010: … I have become somewhat angry and disillusioned at the worldliness seeping in the Church and obscuring its light. …Sometimes I look at Muslims and dearly wish I could be one, as I have been fascinated with Islam for the last year or two. I watch two Muslim programs every week, just out of interest. On the one program there was a man who became Muslim. He said what he liked about the religion was its simplicity and that he loved how Muslims are faithful to showing their faith in the way they live and dress; you can practically see a Muslim by the way they look. These are the very reasons why I am fascinated with it as well. I spoke to a middle-aged Muslim lady at the local material shop I go to for my sewing needs. The shop is run by Muslims, and I spoke to that lady before, because she asked why I also wear the veil. I said to her that although I am not a Muslim, I am a “friend of Muslims.”
It was quite funny, but once, quite a while back when I was shopping … with my mother, I was dressed in my veil like a Muslim, and my mom said to me offhand: “You should have been born a Muslim!” I said to her with a smile: “I know!” … My beliefs concerning women (and even some on marriage) are the same as the Islamic ones and I sometimes feel like I fit in better with them than I do among Catholics. I don’t feel that belonging so much as I do among Muslim women.
June 5, 2010: Islam seems so timeless and changeless and Christianity seems to have changed so much that it has become unrecognizable.
Jan. 18, 2011: This religion draws me a lot, because I find myself behaving more like a Muslim than a Christian; it is as if my personal views on many things (especially on modesty and the veil) are reflected in Islam. This situation I am in now is actually following the very same pattern as my interest in Catholicism; I was too afraid to tell mom at first; As a Christian, I feel increasingly lonely, because I am alone in some of my convictions, whereas as a Muslim I would be one of many who believe and would find solidarity and support. Islam has actually drawn me by the very thing that Catholicism first drew me — Oneness, which it displays more visibly in practice. … I cannot accept conversion now, but the way I am going with my interest in it, it seems to be becoming more feasible. This scares me, and yet what can I do? Must I deny that Islam attracts me a lot?
Feb. 11, 2011: I am going through the faith crisis again... It returned even more than before. I am feeling disillusioned with Christianity again. My heart is going back and forth, being pulled to and fro.
Feb. 13, 2011: (in reply to my friends who were rather concerned about me by now) It is hard enough trying to fit in with Christians when I fit in more with Muslims. And it is not only because of the way I dress or believe about modesty. It also touches on how much I love the way they worship using bows and prostrations, taking their shoes off, all in unison, men and women separate, and how their lifestyle is so simple and down to earth, their amazing pilgrimage unlike any other. Even the way they bury their dead is the way I want to be buried. I have even found a Muslim name I like! Saadiqah (meaning lover of truth, modesty). When I go to Mass I feel like a peculiarity and I crave to be around Muslims. I can’t feel a connection with many other Christians, particularly women, and it hurts.
To martyr myself by continuing in this lonely way being a peculiarity and not fitting in, for the sake of being a light, teaching modesty — and yet feeling bitter and exclusivist and lonely? Or, to find a niche, where who I am will find a sense of belonging in a community, not helping others as much (although I still will be sewing), but being happy and peaceful inside?
What would be more important than avoiding the path of sin in my own soul? I cannot bless other souls if I am not happy in my own soul first.
I am just speculating; nothing is definite, but I feel torn two ways.
To be continued next week

— Islamreligion.com